Education and Parenting Info » parenting

Parenting With Distractions: Assessing AD/HD in Parents of AD/HD Children

admin — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 03:34:08 +0000

Forty percent of children who have ADHD have at least one parent who also meets the criteria for diagnosis. (Zeigler) ADHD affects up to 7.5% of school-aged children, or between one to three students in every classroom. (Barbaresi, et al) For various reasons, ADHD in adults often goes undiagnosed. Thus, these parents are trying to carry out adult responsibilities without the benefit of appropriate treatment for their own ADHD. Undiagnosed ADHD in parents affects the entire family. These adults typically exhibit emotional labiality and tend to have higher rates of depression, substance abuse disorders, and other co-morbidities.

Adults with ADHD are less likely to graduate from college and even less likely to obtain advanced educational degrees. Like most adults with ADHD, these parents face uncertain career prospects. Although they may be intelligent and enthusiastic workers, they often have difficulties keeping a job. (Pary) Social skills deficits are common among this population. ADHD can interfere with the ability to establish and maintain close relationships and may contribute to an unstable home environment.

Parents of a child who has ADHD are three times as likely to separate or divorce as parents of non-ADHD children. (Barkley 1995) Simply place, the parent may not have the emotional tools needed to effectively support the special needs of the ADHD child. Parents who do not have ADHD report that these children are often far more challenging to parent than their non-ADHD siblings. The adult with ADHD faces the already formidable task of raising a hard child while at the same time trying to cope as best they can with their own ADHD. If the parents’ own ADHD issues are not addressed, these adults can have tremendous difficulties fulfilling their roles as parents.

Evaluating the Parent

Parents may be unaware that they exhibit behaviors that would indicate the presence of ADHD. Furthermore, ADHD has been long considered a childhood disorder. It was not until the mid-1980′s that researchers started to acknowledge that ADHD indeed lasted into adulthood. Parents may be under that mistaken belief that they outgrew their ADHD while in fact it continues to affect their life.

When treating a child who has ADHD, the physician should discuss with the parent the genetics of ADHD and inquire if a parent might be struggling with symptoms too. Physicians (i.e. pediatricians) who are uncomfortable or unable to evaluate the adult should then refer parents to another health care provider for an ADHD evaluation. Should the parent show resistance to the thought, the physician might discuss the difficulties of raising an ADHD child if ones own ADHD is not addressed and treated. One or both of the parents may indicate that they faced many of the same problems when they were a child. The parent may recall that school was hard, although he or she had the intellectual capabilities to do well. There may be family tales of hyperactivity or behavioral problems during the parent’s childhood.

Mothers or fathers may see in the opposite sex parent many of the same behaviors now being exhibited by their child. Often is the case when one parent will turn to the other and say, “I know where it comes from. You’re the exact same way!” Physicians may want to question about the behaviors of other family members as well, to better ascertain the possibility of undiagnosed ADHD in the family. These kinds of questions can bring up a plethora of information pointing to the possibility that the parent, too, might have the disorder.

Research on ADHD and behavioral disorders is honestly recent and may not have been attributed to ADHD when the parent was a child. The astute physician will take a patient history by posing questions in terms of behavior and not necessarily in terms of any specific diagnosis. How does this affect the physician’s role in evaluating and treating their young patients? Treating the parent is an vital part of improving the quality of life for the child. One can see that an impulsive, distracted parent might have problems remembering to give a youngster his/her medication. Adults with ADHD tend to be disorganized and often have difficulty maintaining a home. These adults have distress keeping appointments, getting the child ready and off to school in time, and performing other basic parenting duties.

How ADHD Symptoms Compare in Adults and Children

The same symptoms that apply to children with ADHD also apply to adults; but, the symptoms may be manifested in a number of ways. Diagnosis is further complicated by the overlap between the symptoms of adult ADHD and the symptoms of other common psychiatric conditions such as depression and substance abuse. (Searight)

The primary symptoms of ADHD are inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity. The adult versions of these symptoms often have severe consequences. Inattentive children are reprimanded for daydreaming in class. Inattentive adults neglect their spouses, forget directions, and crash their automobiles. Impulsive children often make terrible choices. Impulsive parents also make terrible decisions.

Consequently, they may face huge credit card bills, marital strain and other negative consequences. Hyperactive children are always moving. Hyperactive adults may feel restless and are drawn to high-risk behaviors. Other behaviors that are common to children who have ADHD are also seen in adults with the disorder. Children with ADHD will procrastinate, turning in homework late, if at all. Their work is often sloppy.

Procrastination in adults results in paperwork and work-related projects being completed late or not at all. Bills go unpaid not because there is no money, but because the adult simply never gets around to mailing in the payment.

Other common symptoms include not living up to one’s potential, hypersensitivity to stimuli, emotional reactivity, and poor small term memory. Any one of these behaviors presents a problem for an adult. Taken as a group, they represent a potentially disabling condition.

Consider the following challenges:

1. How can the parent who procrastinates, help his ADHD child learn strategies for getting homework and other school projects finished in a timely fashion?

2. How can the disorganized parent help his child learn organizing skills to keep materials and possessions tidy and at hand?

3. How can the hyperactive, restless parent find a way to emotionally connect with a child who may prefer silent activities?

4. How can the daydreaming parent listen and be attentive to her child’s needs?

5. How can the overly emotional, small-fused parent stay cool when his child needs a steady, cool parent to help her self-regulate her own volatile unpredictable moods?

6. How does the hypersensitive parent handle the onslaught of activity and noise of a busy household? Untreated, the parent facing such challenges could easily become depressed, nervous, mad, or an explosive combination of all three, setting up a vicious cycle wrought with guilt and poor self-esteem. These parents often question why they can’t do a better job raising their child. Invariably, the child loses out too, because his or her emotional and sometimes physical needs are not being met.

Treatment for Adults

Adults with ADHD respond well to treatment. Appropriate management of adult patients with ADHD is multimodal and should include psychoeducation, counseling, supportive problem-directed therapy, behavioral intervention, coaching, and cognitive remediation. Couples or family therapy may be indicated to help the parent learn better parenting strategies for raising the ADHD child.

Stimulant medications are the first line of treatment for adults with ADHD. Stimulant use among patients with a history of substance abuse should be closely monitored to ensure that no abuse occurs. Approximately 70% of adults who have been treated with stimulant medication show a reduction of symptoms. The antidepressant medication Bupropion has also been shown to be effective in treating adults with ADHD. (Kuperman) Atomoxetine, a non-stimulant medication which is a highly selective inhibitor of the norepinephrine transporter, appears to be an efficacious treatment for adult ADHD. Its lack of abuse potential may be an advantage for many patients.

Once effective treatment is in place, adults with AHD usually do quite well. Paired with the other interventions, medication can provide the parent with the tools he or she needs to improve the quality of life for the family.

Conclusion

Because ADHD is a genetic disorder, screening the parent of the ADHD patient is imperative as part of the overall medical/psychological management of the child. Appropriate and effective treatments are available to both child and parent and should be considered for both in order for families to live successful, healthy lives.

Parenting List / Commandments

admin — Tue, 10 May 2011 03:33:37 +0000

Whether we are soon to be parents, new parents or have been parents, we want to do the best job possible at raising our children. Children don’t come with instruction manuals and parenting doesn’t come with a manual or infallible guide. Every situation and family is unique. We as individuals are different. There are different parenting styles and variations. There is varied parenting education and knowledge which we utilize and process differently. We basically parent with instinct, knowledge and wisdom. At first, we usually parent with instinct and our personal experiences. This is usually what we learned (consciously and subconsciously) from our parents, family members or others. We also parent around our beliefs, morals and values. Many new parents and even seasoned parents undergo parenting training and education. This knowledge is a very valuable tool, as it teaches parents how to be effective parents and helps them cultivate their parenting skills. Parenting is a very extensive subject with a vast abundance of information and opinions. Even with proper parenting education, we need to be naturally adaptive, resourceful and I provisional. Excellent parenting will produce excellent individuals, who will continue a positive cycle when they are parents.So what does it take to be a excellent parent? From what I have experienced and learned so far as a child, person and a parent, I made a list of things which I believe to be essential for being a excellent parent.
Be dedicated and passionate. Excellent parenting certainly takes dedication. Dedication and passion comes from the like for our children and drive to place their well being first. Being dedicated takes a lot of sacrifice. As parents, we need to sacrifice a lot of our time and personal lives. When I am dedicated to my child’s life, I know that the sacrifices are priceless investments and for an extremely vital cause. I have known many parents who could not sacrifice their pleasures for their purpose. Children tend to view that as selfishness or weakness. These characteristics are learned and absorbed. With this said, it’s vital to be our best as individuals and to be excellent examples as parents.
Practice self discipline. We teach our children to be well behaved and disciplined. We teach them to be honest and trustworthy. We teach them many things to help them be healthy, pleased and productive now, and into the future. We use discipline to ensure all of these things and more for our children. If we want our children to be well disciplined, we must be self disciplined. In addition, we should expect the same from ourselves, if not more. We must remember that we can (and often do) lead more by our example than by what we say or instruct. We must practice what we are teaching. I know that when I am peaceful and positive, cool and strong, I am at my best. My children see this. I know that when I am frustrated and negative, out of control and careless, I am at my worst. My children see this. This is how I know self discipline is extremely vital in parenting. It is best to control your emotions (especially rage) and learn how to deal with stress.
Discipline your children. Discipline does not only mean punish. Discipline means to teach. It is vital to teach them to learn from natural consequences. They will also learn this naturally. I personally prefer to use the word consequence instead of punishment. I found it very vital to set honest and logical consequences (punishments). This will keep the child focused on the lesson and make it less likely that they will be distracted or focused on their emotions, rage and resentment.It is also vital to set guidelines and expectations enforced by a rewards and consequences system. This can consist of simply rewards and incentives for excellent behavior, and consequences and corrective action for terrible behavior. Make sure to be consistent in your parenting.
Be a excellent and positive example to your children. Children have many influences. We can be responsible and be an icon of positive influence to our children. It’s vital to know that it is not only what we say that influences. Our vocalization is not the only message we send. Relaying our intended messages can be hard. Most of the time, people need to make personal changes when they become a parent. They find themselves changing how they react to things or express opinions and feelings.
Always use communication. Be an active listener. This will enable you to be more effective and productive at being a parent and solving problems. This is when children learn and also when parents learn. It’s very reciprocal. I found that my children teach me a lot about my parenting. It should be assertive and constructive communication. You shouldn’t use criticism, contempt, aggressiveness or defensiveness. Passive-aggressiveness is also very counterproductive. Communication should be used for conflict resolution and problem solving. During communication, everyone should express their feelings openly.
Show you children respect and teach them to respect others. Just you showing them respect will automatically teach them to have respect for others. I know that when children are shown disrespect, they can learn to not respect themselves. If they don’t have respect for themselves, it is likely that they will not have respect for others. I’m sure that we can all recall a situation where we were disrespected and lashed out at others because of it. It’s the same for children and they can form habits (excellent and terrible) very easily and quickly.
Respect your children as individuals. They have their own minds and lives. The will have their own personalities, thoughts, and feelings about the world. Always remind yourself that they are individuals, and they are their own person. They are not you and may have different thoughts and actions. Always respect their dignity. We must be very careful not to oppress our children. We should treat them how we would like or expect to be treated.
Instill happiness and self worth in your children. Show them positivity, not negativity. Be careful and thoughtful of your children’s feelings and needs. It’s terrible when parents inflict hurt on their children’s psyches. It’s not honest to children. Oppression is incorrect. Many children carry these emotional hurts well into their adult lives and even spread it to their own children.We need to make our children feel loved, wanted, needed and useful. This will give them a sense of importance and self worth. We equally need to encourage them and teach them to be confident and like themselves. We should always want to lift them up when they are down. We need to be an inspiration to our children.
Do not humiliate your children. We want our children to be proud of themselves. At time, children make mistakes or do things that are not excellent or shameful. We should still treat them with dignity as we teach them right from incorrect. Humiliation and shame are painful emotions for children to deal with. Our main focus in our disciplinary tactics should not be to make them feel ashamed of themselves. This can permanently hurt their confidence and self esteem. I like to use privacy and confidentiality when disciplining a shameful act.
Give your children praise. Compliment them. This will encourage them and let them know when they are doing the right thing. It is also vital to receive praise well. This will show them how to react to praise. This is simple because we all like to make our children feel excellent. It makes us feel excellent. It’s wonderful when all family members are pleased together.
Teach your children excellent values and morals. This goes along with teaching them right from incorrect. Teach them the importance of honesty and fairness. These traits can stay with them for life.
Teach your children self control. It’s vital that they can express their emotions, but there should be limits and a level of control. This is especially critical to children who act on their emotions. In essence, you are teaching them to control their actions. Teaching them self control will greatly benefit them throughout life. Teaching patience and control of rage are well loved lessons for young children.
Teach your children to be kind, gentle and empathetic. Teach them to be understanding, patient, accepting and tolerant. Teach them about social awareness, social injustice, differences and diversity. Teach them about giving and taking (reciprocation) and the rule of action and reaction. Teach them that what they do as an impact on other people or things.
Instill a sense of purpose, duty and citizenship in your children. This will help them be, and feel like a excellent member of society. All their lives they will be around other people and have to properly function in a society. We like to see our children to grow up to be helpful and prolific people. It is excellent to teach children to get along with others and to work as a team at an early age. Recreational and community activities can be fantastic ways to learn these values.
Teach your children responsibility and a excellent work ethic. Most parents do this by assigning chores to their children. It’s excellent to hold them accountable for their actions and to make them responsible for things in their life. As children grow, we should give them more responsibility and further their understanding of the importance of having a excellent work ethic. My children may groan about a certain responsibility they have, but when they complete it, they feel pleased and proud. Chores and responsibilities will give them a sense of duty and usefulness.
Teach your children the importance of education and learning. Starting at an early age is ideal. Implement a study time for them, as well as times to read. I started reading to my children regularly when they were very young. It as proven to be very effective in helping them develop a like and an interest for reading and learning. I also set up reading and study times for myself, as this provides a excellent example. It is also pinnacle to monitor and be aware of what your children are learning and being taught. A quality education is essential and is something every child should have access to.
Teach your children about finances. This goes along with lessons about how the world works. Children are born into a world that has systems already in place. One of the most vital and powerful systems is the economic system. Most civilizations were built on money and are controlled by money. I feel that it is very vital to educate children about economics and finances. We want our children to know how to control their money and lives so they won’t be controlled by money or those with money and power. I have read many studies regarding children whose parents did not teach them these skills. The studies showed that those children had significantly higher odds of having financial difficulties as adults. When lecturing about basic survival skills, it is necessary to include modern day survival skills.
Teach your children to be skilled choice makers and problem solvers. I encourage my children to make decisions and solve problems on their own. I even use simulation to enhance their skills. If they are unable to solve a problem or need guidance, then I step in and help.
Teach your children to be independent and self sufficient individuals. Most children like to do things by themselves. They are full of zeal to learn and experience. We should always encourage them to do things on their own, as long as it‘s safe and within their capability. We should also instruct them on how to do things on their own. As long as it’s reasonable and completely safe, I tell my children, “Reckon about it and figure it out” or “Try to do it yourself.” This challenges them and very rewarding when they acknowledge that they did it themselves. It also shows them that you trust them and have faith in them. Children and people alike need to feel that others believe in them. Encourage your children to be free thinkers, reckon for themselves and not just always believe and reckon how others reckon or tell them to reckon. Encourage them to question things, research for answers, investigate, seek the truth, stay right to themselves and to their beliefs and morals. Also encourage them to always defend and stand up for the truth as well as their beliefs. Individual autonomy is something that should be taught. They should also be encouraged and warned to reckon about things rationally, realistically, and carefully. This will help them make better choices and decisions in life.
Guide your children well. Give them excellent guidance to help them live and reckon in a positive and constructive way. Be careful not to misguide them or misinform them. I always encourage my children to research and investigate to figure things out for themselves. I also encourage them to question a lot of questions and even question a lot of information. I encourage them to be autonomous (a free thinker).We teach our children to walk, talk and reckon. We then teach them to restrict movement, words and thoughts. We need to be careful not to prevent or stop our children from developing their minds, curiosities, creativity and passions. Of course we should be reasonable, but we should let them explore and experiment to learn about the world around them. We should let them question many questions. When we answer, we should answer well and let them form and cultivate their own thoughts and understanding. It’s unfair to deprive them of that.
Encourage your children’s interests, talents and skills. Encourage them to follow their hopes and dreams. Support them in their activities and ambitions. Support them throughout their development and phases, as they are finding their sense of self. Encourage them to set goals and strive to achieve them. Motivate them and help them keep their momentum. I find myself lecturing with what I learned from not doing something more than what I learned from trying something or achieving something.
Be a dependable and reliable parent. Be there for your children no matter what. Help them when they need it. Never abandon or forsake them. Be in their corner and at their defense. Our children will face a lot of adversity and learn disappointment and disgust from disloyalty and mistrust. It shouldn’t come from us too.Show them stability, as this is greatly needed in their lives.
Spend time (quality and quantity) with your children. Play with them and have fun with them often. Fun parents make pleased children. Make fun activities and traditions. We are parents, teachers and authority figures, but we can also be fun friends. Cherish the times that are spent together. This will make memories that will last in the hearts and minds of them and you for life.
Be attentive, vigilant and observant to your children’s lives. If you see problems or potential problems early, they can be more easily corrected. Teach them those skills to use in their own life. Prevention is usually simpler than resistance or correction.
Keep your children safe. Provide them a safe environment. Protect them at al costs. There are many dangers and threats, especially when they are young. Be observant and aware of your children’s surroundings. When my children were young, I was often referred to as worrisome. But I always believed in being passionate about my children’s survival and well being. Like the ancient saying goes, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Teach your children about self preservation. Children develop natural survival instincts, but it is vital to clarify to them the physical dangers in the world. It’s also vital to teach them about the limits and vulnerabilities of their bodies. I taught my children at a young age about their anatomy. I also taught them about unnecessary risks and dangers. Examples of unnecessary risks would be: Riding on motorcycles and all terrain vehicles, and other perilous/risky activities for thrill only.When children get older, then it’s vital to teach self preservation in many forms from keeping themselves alive and healthy to maintaining all aspects of their lives.
Take your children’s health seriously. Keep a healthy environment for them. Be an advocate for health. Be weary about what your children eat and drink. Healthy habits are learned as children.Be extra attentive to your children’s physical and mental health. I have had many experiences with physicians and health care professionals either overlooking or misdiagnosing health problems or disorders. We often need to be proactive and research and examine things ourselves. If a health problem is learned, have it treated with the best course of action. Take it seriously and work diligently to solve and right the problem. Be thorough and comprehensive. Seek the best health care possible and never procrastinate. With serious health problems, time is of the essence.
Teach your children to like and delight in life. Teach them to be pleased and positive throughout various circumstances. Help them learn to be resilient and persevere through hard situations. Help them learn how precious life is. Help them learn that it is best to make the most out of life and to delight in life to the fullest. Teach them to be grateful and appreciative. Help them to possess peace of mind and know how to find and keep happiness and comfort in their own mind.
Learn from your experiences and the mistakes you make as a parent. Also, learn from the mistakes of others. You can learn the right way to do something from someone who did it incorrect. Learning from other people’s experiences and examples can be a fantastic teacher and help you cultivate your parenting skills and thoughts. Your children can also be fantastic teachers. Listen to their words and reckon about their reactions. Be observant and receptive. I once wrote a questionnaire for my children to answer. It pertained to my parenting and how I was doing as a parent in their minds. Some answers were amusing and unrealistic. Other answers were very fascinating and gave me some excellent insight. Over all, it was very informative and beneficial.If we are making parenting mistakes, we can make changes now. When we realize a mistake, we should change that way of parenting immediately. We must be assertive while making sure not to make the same mistakes again. We need to take the most vital job of parenting seriously, while having a lot of fun at the same time.
Like your children unconditionally. Like them regardless of the mistakes they make or who they become. This comes naturally, but children really need to know it. The first sentence in this paragraph could then be; show your children unconditional like. Tell your children that you like them on a regular basis. Children need to feel like. Tell them that you are proud of them. Make them feel loved and proud of themselves. Tell them that they are fantastic children and people. Make them feel vital and needed. Give them lots of hugs and kisses. Make them feel safe and comforted. Let them know that you will always be there for them and that you will always like them.
The order in which I listed these attributes has no significance. Most of us are already doing these things and striving to be the best parents possible. I hope that I provided some excellent insight into what it takes to be a excellent parent. I also hope that I provided helpful information to those seeking excellent parenting advice.Many would say the meaning of life is to reproduce and continue humanity. We produce children who are the continuance and future of humanity. We want the continuance and future of humanity to be bright and positive. Parents have a huge impact on the lives of our children, as well as on humanity.

Basics of Parenting

admin — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 03:44:27 +0000

Basics Of Parenting

Today, the one and the only question that is in the minds of everybody is “where are the youth of this generation going?” as the lifestyle and values of the youth is bothering the society to say the least. Though the problems made by the youth and the problems faced by them are innumerable, it is not the state of affairs of the youth alone that is causing anxiety. The baby on its way into this world, new born babies and the children in different stages of growth also face and cause problems. While trying to find the root cause of the problem it is the parents who are blamed for it, most of the time. Though they are not the sole cause, they have a major role to play. Their success in parenting depends on the kind of parents they are, their environment, the support from the family, the possibility of getting trained for parent hood, the level of education, the nature of the child concerned etc.,. The problems, mostly psychological, would vanish with proper parenting. In the early days, people mostly lived in joint families. The experience and advice the young parents received from the elders, parents, aunts, grand parents, uncles, guided them in the process of parenting. The children also had many people to support them, to allow them to vent their feelings and to learn the probable ways of findings solutions to their problems.

Right Tale

While talking to a group of adolescent girls shocking messages came to light. Many of the adolescent girls were having illicit relationship with auto drivers with whom they were coming to school. Deeper analysis brought out the fact that these girls were longing for like from their parents. When an iota of like or something akin to it is shown by the auto driver, they easily fall a prey to the former’s devious designs; of course they suffer later when they find it hard to extricate themselves from the driver’s clutches. Only the parents can help these children. One of the fantastic, noble traits of parenthood is like and that alone can cure many ills faced by the children and youth. It can help the girls to retrieve themselves1.

In yet another instance, a 5 years ancient orphan boy in a care centre for the AIDS infected persons stunned the onlookers by saying that if his father had had proper parenting, he would not have gone astray and finished with AIDS, infecting his mother too2. Even this small lad knows the importance of parenthood. Everyone knows about parenting and follow the kind of parenting demonstrated by their parents or that which they have learnt through courses or training or advice given by psychologists or gurus.

Styles of Parenting:

Just as there are different types of human beings, there are different types of styles of parents. The parents’ style influences the level and kind of development of the child. Whatever may be the style of parenting the essentials to be looked into are, “Express your like, make your child feel secure. Build their self-esteem. Stay flexible and recognize the time for change as your child grows. Communicate openly and honestly and be confident in your own ability”3. When you talk to your child, you should be really listening not just hearing.

There are different types of parenting, such as “Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive4”. Parents who are very clear about their role and give instructions with confidence can be considered as Authoritative. The Reader’s Digest Fantastic Dictionary of the English language shows that authoritative means commanding and self confident, while authoritarian implies, favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority5. It is similar to dictatorship.

Another variety of parenting is known as permissive. These parents allow their children to follow their own path, mostly non-interfering. It is similar to saying, “let the sleeping dogs lie” as they are. These parents do not want to follow any strict rules or take up much responsibility in bringing up their children. There is another mode of classifying the parents. According to this classification, there are three types of parents, such as Consultant, Helicopter, Dull Sergeants6.

Three Types of Parents

CONSULTANT

HELICOPTER

DRILL SERGEANT

This Like and Logic parent provides guidance and consultant services for children

This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live.

This parent commands and directs the lives of children.

The Like and Logic parent provides messages of personal worth and strength

provides messages of weakness and low personal worth

provides messages of low personal worth and resistance

The Like and Logic parent very seldom mentions responsibilities

makes excuses for the child, but complains about mishandled responsibilities

makes lots of demands and has lots of expectations about responsibility.

The Like and Logic parent demonstrates how to take care of self and be responsible

“takes on” the responsibility of the child

tells the child how he /she should handle responsibility

The Like and Logic parent shares personal feelings about own performance and responsibilities

protects the child from any possible negative feelings

tells the child how he / she should feel

The Like and Logic parent provides and helps child explore alternatives and then allows child to make his / her own choice

makes decisions for the child

provides absolutes : “This is the choice you should make”.

The Like and Logic parent provides “time frames” in which child may complete responsibilities

provides no structure, but complaints, “After all I’ve done for you…”

demands that jobs or responsibilities be done now

The Like and Logic parent models doing a excellent job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling excellent about it.

whines and uses guilt : “When are you ever going to learn. I always have to clean up after you.”

issues orders and threats: “You get that room cleaned up or else…”

The Like and Logic parent often questions self, “Who owns the problem?” helps the child explore solutions to his / her problem

whines and complains about having an irresponsible child who causes “me” much work and responsibility

takes over ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem

The Like and Logic parent uses lots of actions, but very few words

uses lots of words and actions that rescue or indicate that the child is not capable or responsible

uses lots of harsh words, very few actions

10.

The Like and Logic parent allows child to experience life’s natural consequences and allows them to serve as the teacher

10.

protects child from natural consequences, uses guilt as the teacher

10.

uses punishment; pain and humiliation can serve as the teacher.

Source: http://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/threetypes.pdf

One way to identify the kind of parents is by analyzing the kind of gifts they give to their children in order to make them do any specific activity. Some parents have a survival mentality; they give their child “whatever” just to make them do the job. Some parents operate with a default mentality. They give their child what is well loved without considering whether it will be the most helpful. In actual practice the parent should be operating deliberately and purposefully, giving the child what is useful after carefully thinking through. They are usually known as “intentional parents” 7. Depending on what kind or type of parents they are, the goals, and gifts also change. In the case of permissive parents, the guiding motive will be, “If I can just make it through the child – rearing years, I can get my life back”. Their goal will be “jilting the kids out of the house”. They follow the simplest method of doing whatever is simple to do. Hence, they use bribes, threats and use TV as a baby sitter8.

On the other hand, those “who want to give the child what will be best and most helpful for him”, will have the goal of preparing the child for life as a productive adult. They would spend quality time with the child, imparting ethical values to the child. The gifts given by such parents would be, “religious books, enjoyable pastimes, academics, home skills and chances for socialization” 9.

If a child is to be successful in life, the appropriate parental care is necessary. But, of course, there are children who grow up into successful adults, in spite of defective parenting. But such cases are very rare. The society at present is facing problems of parenting especially in the case of single parent, divorced parents, simple and extended families. Most of the children brought up by single parent and unmarried mothers, find it hard to cope with the pressures in the family and society.

Parenting Skills:

With, hectic work schedule of the parents, the heavy load of learning coupled with many distractions and the problems faced by the society, the children are looking for the support of their parents for a secure life. It is ordinarily observed that parenting without proper foundation has always and indefinitely led to confusions in child development. What is essential is

Ø Developing and clarifying clear communicative expectations.

Ø Staying cool in the midst of turmoil

Ø Encouraging positive consequences and consistency.

Ø Being the role model to your child.

Ø Effective praising.10

To be a successful parent discipline is necessary. At the same time, there should be consistency in whatever the parents are saying and doing, parents should have a preplanned, pre-developed strategy to teach proper behaviour to the child. That is, both the parents,or the single parent should make their expectations clear to the child. , Both of them can sail smoothly while bringing up their child. They should be very specific and firm in teaching their children. Moreover, the parents must take into consideration the child’s age, ability, developmental status and the resources that are available for the family.11 Once the expectations are clearly stated, it is necessary that both the parents should communicate it to the child, without contradictions. In addition to these, there should be frequent family ‘get togethers’. Instead of punishing the child for not abiding by the expectations, it will be better to have discussions to clear the child’s doubts and parents being role models.

Ray Burke states that “Children can be sarcastic, defiant, rebellious and possibly violent, parents have to prepare themselves for times like these and learn to keep cool” 12. Yet another way to increase or encourage desirable behavior is to use positive consequences. What the parents should remember is to use the positive consequences that would work with the child. While developing a child’s behavior the parents should remember “consistency”. Consistency is the key to being a successful parent. This gives the message to the child that “your parents are reliable and serious”.

The most vital aspect of successful parents is that the parents should be role model for their child 13. The parent should be a positive role model for their child to follow. As Ray Burke say, “Praise is powerful…. Praise is nourishment. It helps in the emotional development. It helps in building up self-esteem, belief of personal satisfaction, feeling of security.”14 The praise should be communicated to the child either verbally or through action.

Parenting Skills :

Ø Discipline

Ø Education

Ø Finance

With the social changes, the extended family that existed earlier, which played the vital role of a model, a shock absorber, a vent for relieving one’s feelings has become a thing of the past. Hence, the parents of the modern era have to learn creative ways of bringing up their children. It is found that the most vital but controversial parenting skills is DISCIPLINE. Whether the method is, redirection, time-outs, loss of privileges, grounding, extra chores, or sparking, the parents should embrace their role to train their children to become moral and respectable adults15. The second skill to be bought by the parents is regarding education. The parents should also be educating their children in moral values. The child’s education should take into consideration certain vital facts16:

v Family’s financial status.

v Quality of local public and private schools.

v Level of parental education.

v Personalities of parents and children.

v Home schooling support and resources.

v The involvement of the parents in the child’s education.

Besides education, one of the vital parenting skills is the effective way of dealing with financial issues. The demand for expenditure for rearing the child, medical, hygienic needs etc. are soaring high today. Hence, a successful parent should know what is essential and what is not before deciding upon the expenditure of the limited resources.

Conclusion

There is no doubt that children bring us much joy and much responsibility. Most of the stress and worry of bringing them up can be reduced or removed with proper, careful plotting. The parents should plot when to have a child. The working mother, if she is to stay at home, once the child is born, should plot earlier to save as much as possible and cut down the family expenditure. Both the parents have to plot to set aside enough time to be with the child, not only when it is a baby, but till the child becomes an adult.

The parents, need not be only the problematic, should avail of training in parenting skill as much as possible. First of all, both parents should have a congenial and frank communication between them. Only then, once the child comes into the family, they will be able to communicate with the child easily. Further the “ego”, the concept of “I” should be relegated to the background. It is possible that the child becomes sick at times mildly, at times seriously. Both the parents should take responsibility of looking after the child, not blaming each other as the cause of sickness. The child rearing, though filled with difficulties, hurdles and events that test one’s tolerance, is undoubtedly a pleasure. It is a joy. A successful parent should know how to smile. That will reduce the stress and pain of the child. As it grows into adolescent stage, the skills of the parents should be developed further. They should know more about the physique, the psychology and mental development of the child.

It should be remembered that the requisites of an effective parent are dedication, attention, like and constant denial of easily administering swift punishment. Though parenting is time consuming, the fruits are very attractive. The future generation and its success depends on the effective, successful and cheerful parents of today to a fantastic extent.

END NOTES

1. Author’s personal experience

2. Ibid.

3. http://www.raisingkids.co.uk 10.14.2008

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/614981/authoritative_authoritarian_and_permissive.html
The Fantastic Dictionary of English Language (Readers Digest Association Limited, London, 2003) p.56, 57
Three Types of Parents: Like and Logic institute – www.loveandlogic.com 1981.
http://intentionalparents.com/types-of-parents/ p.1
Ibid. p.2.
Ibid.p.2
http://allp